Hell inc. by Dick Wybrow

Author:Dick Wybrow [Wybrow, Dick]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Published: 2018-10-22T22:00:00+00:00

The Font

17 May

Dearest Carissa,

I’m sorry for making your ex-fiancé go permanently bald.

There’s really no excuse for me being so childish.

You know how upset I was that he was still calling and harassing you after you annulled the marriage? And I kept my promise not to beat him bloody again with my commercial-grade garden rake, so I hope you can see that I’m really trying to make this work between you and me.

Yes, breaking and entering his apartment was wrong, I get that now.

And yes, putting the Nair hair-removal cream into all of his hair products, soap dispensers, and hand lotion (let’s face it, single guys only use hand lotion for one thing) was beneath me and a very mean and silly thing to do.

Thank you for keeping it our secret.

However, it’s not entirely clear why his hair won’t grow back. I’m sure there’s some clinical explanation for it, but you’ve told me to steer clear of him, so I’m washing my hands of this (but I won’t do it with his hand soap! (okay, no, that’s mean and no longer a laughing matter. I’m sorry)).

As a bit of a meaty mea culpa… you’ve been working hard, so I bought a bunch of those weird Australian frozen pot pies you like—the beef and pepper gravy ones!—and put them in your freezer.

Each one has a note taped to it, but please don’t look ahead—the idea is to have a nice note with lunch each day. Or you could pretend that a different Aussie beef pie is professing its love to you every afternoon… whichever floats your boat, babydoll.

Listen, I know you’ve got some wrapping up to do of your former life with your ex, and I respect that. You do what you need to, and I’ll keep my distance on the matter.

Just do me a favor and don’t open any of his closet doors or take a ride in his car that exceeds thirty-two miles an hour.

Just as, you know, a precaution.

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